There has been a recent upheaval in the field of astrology due to the earth being a tad “off kilter.” Finally, the earth is in equal alignment with my family.
Some astrologists suggest that with the new tilt of the earth, many will now have a new astrological sign. For example, according to the new guidelines, I am an Aries. I don’t think so. I will forever be a Taurus. I am an earth mother, bread baker, food maker and especially, food consumer extraordinaire. Astrologers say Taurians have a massive stubborn streak. I refuse to believe this and there is no way you will change my mind.
My family was discussing these astrological anomalies over breakfast during one of our recent holiday gatherings. My Dad, in true Capricorn form, was the first up. He made coffee and was eating his oatmeal and telling the “walking dead” assembled around the table, that at 75, he is still at his “pre-sophmore high school weight”. He also stated with great authority that if we’d lay off the Danishes we might have a shot at reaching this greatness. My Mom (aka Noni), a beautiful woman who is what you would call “voluptuous”, heavy on the "Volup,"would have given him an inappropriate hand gesture at this time if it weren’t for the children.
It was in this environment that I attempted, but did not succeed, at reading what the planets had lined up for us that day.
MH: “Pluto is moving near Uranus.”
Dad: “Well, that would be a problem!”
Noni: “What sign is your brother? Isn’t he a lobster?”
MH: “Mom, there is no lobster. He is a crab, a Cancer.”
Noni: “He is like a crustacean with that tough exterior, but he is very mushy on the inside. He can get very emotional. Oh my God! Who has cancer?!”
Lauren (my oldest): “Uncle Tom, you’re that curled up centipede thing, right?”
Uncle Tom: “No, Lauren. I am a scorpion.”
Lauren: “So you bond with someone, sting them and they die.”
Uncle Tom: “Pretty much.”
Lauren: “Can I switch seats with Maria?”
Uncle Tom: “What are you, Lauren?”
Lauren: “I’m a Pisseese. I think it’s like a fish with tinkle problems”.
Helena: (my middle highly-focused daughter sandwiched between two children with attention issues) “Actually Lauren, Pisces are supposed to be very spiritual.”
Maria: “Was that God you were texting in church last Sunday?”
Helena: “Pisces are also said to be psychic and intuitive.”
Lauren: “That I would believe. I can predict if someone takes the last sprinkle doughnut things are going to get ugly.”
MH: (Trying once again to get this motley crew on task) “Dad, it says here that Capricorns make large sweeping hand gestures and enjoy reading out loud to people.”
Dad: (Waving his arm in a massive circular swoop inches away from knocking over Aunt Mary Gay’s OJ) “That is ridiculous. Could youhurry up with this horoscope thing? Iwant to share this article from theWall Street Journal with your uncle.”
Noni: “What does it say about Helena? Isn’t she a Virgo?”
Maria: (my young driven Capricorn) “Isn’t that the weird chick who kind of looks like a mermaid?”
MH: “No, Babe, I think you’re thinking of the Starbucks logo. Helena is the sign ofthe virgin.”
Noni: “And it better stay that way!”
MH: (totally ignoring my mother’s attempts at busting out her “you’re worth the wait” speech”) “Don, you’re a Gemini right? You are the sign of the twins. It says here that you are compassionate, yet many Gemini have an evil twin.”
Aunt Mary Gay: “Well, I wouldn’t say evil, maybe a bit grumpy and irritable. Oh, and he is apparently forgetful. Would it kill you to send a Mother’s Day card?”
Maria: “Can we get back to that thing about our anus?”
Dad: That’s Uranus, Maria.
Maria: “I know it’s mine, I would just like to know what’s supposed to happen to it!” It was at this point I threw in the towel decision that we would just take whatever the day threw our way. If we could survive a family breakfast, we could survive anything. Just remember, if you orbit in “crazy” make sure there is love in your galaxy.