As an early childhood Montessori educator, I am struck by the similarities between toddlerhood and teenagerhood.
It’s an age of autonomy for both; an age of intense physical growth and hormonal changes.
They are focused on testing boundaries, their emotions are heightened and often explosive or passionate, and they are very egocentric.
They need to engage in risky play or risk-taking, they are impulsive and struggle with self-control, but they still crave boundaries and routine to help them feel safe.
The key difference, of course, is that a toddler will be with you for many years to come; but a teenager is preparing to embark upon the world.
They’ll be out from under your wing. They’ll be making their own decisions, often with lifelong consequences.
How they decide to act, and who they decide to be, in teenagerhood will affect them forever.
During your teen’s last years at home, how can you support the development of their identity — encouraging them to be the best they can be? Here are four of our top suggestions.
Understand that identity development is a lifelong process, but the teenage years are some of the most formative.
We hear a lot about how important the 0-3 years are, and those are important, make no mistake. But teenagerhood closely resembles those years in longterm impact. Your child is developing not only their self-esteem, but their concept of themselves: who they are in different environments; what’s static and what’s evolving.
Your child is facing peer pressure like they never have before, as social identities and influences are critical at this age.
They’re determining the steps they’ll take for their career.
They’re realizing and coming to grips with parts of their identity that they think their loved ones might not support, and they’re wrestling with whether to change who they are, or face backlash from loved ones.
Identity struggles can have lifelong consequences. Research shows 90% of lifelong addiction struggles start during teenagerhood and 50% of mental health disorders start by age 14.
RELATED: Garrett’s Space Breaks Ground on New Campus to Support Young Adults Facing Mental Health Challenges
Having a comprehensive understanding of the importance of these years can help you, as a parent, approach teenager concerns and issues with empathy and education.
Focus on yourself as a safe person for them.
This is not only critical for your child’s emotional health and the likelihood of your future relationship continuing, this can be literally lifesaving.
If your teen has a minority identity, they are more likely to face bullying or judgment from society. Having a safe person can make an incredible impact.
The Trevor Project, for example, notes that 41% of LGBTQ+ youth have seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year alone.
But LGBTQ+ youth who have at least one accepting, safe adult in their life are 40% less likely to attempt suicide.
Also bear in mind that if your child’s minority relates to their gender or sexual identity, you may not know. Many teens may not feel safe or ready to disclose this information to their parents, so your child could be in this minority even if you don’t know.
How to be a safe person for our teens?
Simply put – allow and encourage them to talk to you about anything they’d like, without pressuring them to talk if they don’t want to. Make it safe for them to come to you, and also for them to walk away if they get too overwhelmed or they’re not ready.
When they talk, don’t jump straight to fixing things or giving them advice. Just listen, empathize, and validate where they’re coming from. If you dismiss or belittle their feelings, even inadvertently, they’ll be less willing to speak to you in the future.
Provide solid resources for your teen.
You as a safe person is the most important part. But there may be times where your teen doesn’t feel ready to talk to you; or where they would be better able to listen to more detached authorities, like a book or TV show.
Compiling resources to support your teen in this stage can look like talking about crisis helplines; ensuring they have private access to a doctor to ask any health questions; and helping them research safety questions themselves, like how to stay safe online.
It can also look like prioritizing TV shows or movies as a family that include healthy supportive storylines which you can easily and naturally discuss later (for example, Heartstopper has queer representation, touches on consent and bullying, and has a warm and wholesome representation on friendships).
Encourage your child to form other safe adult friendships.
A trusted adult who isn’t a parent can also be an invaluable resource. The National Alliance on Mental Health says that a adult who the child chooses, who’s in their network naturally (like through family, school, church, or extracurricular activities), and who shares similar values can provide a special ability to inspire and support children in ways their parents can’t.
We’d love to hear from you. What are some of the ways you’ve supported your teen?
