It’s a scary time to be raising boys. We want our boys to be kind, critical thinkers and courageous—but many of the men in power throughout our country are not exemplifying these characteristics. Both in person and online, the manosphere promotes aggressive, sexist, rigid views on masculinity and explicitly targets boys with the algorithm, trying to radicalize them.
For the parents who want to raise empathetic and strong men who care about others rather than carrying about power, wealth, and domination—we’ve compiled eight ways to help counter the influence of the manosphere. You can implement many of these things as early as toddlerhood, all the way through highschool.
Foster critical digital literacy with popular apps like TikTok and Snapchat
For toddlers, this looks like carefully avoiding all unmonitored access to the internet. For example, YouTube Kids is infamous in my mom groups for showing age-inappropriate ads or shows. And toddlers are pros at accidentally figuring out how to use technology and finding things they shouldn’t. It’s always a good idea to watch shows right along with your kids at young ages.
For elementary and middle schoolers, communicate together about your expectations for phone/tablet/TV usage. Talk about keeping their online information private; asking permission before downloading, buying or posting content; and only visiting trusted websites that are cleared by parents. For older students who may have more freedom, talk about if online content feels uncomfortable or mean to stop, close the device, and check in with an adult. Discuss how not everything we see online is true–to develop critical thinking around fake news, encourage questions: who wrote this post? Who’s benefitting from this perspective? Who’s getting left out? Show them how to verify sources. Help them critically examine images and differentiate AI-produced content by checking for distorted text, overly smooth or glossy textures, and strange aspects of the image.
For highschoolers, talk about fake news and AI too. Talk about online safety rules, such as checking account privacy settings, looking out for malicious websites, and only downloading from trusted sources. Talk about cyberbullying and how to protect your child and others from its harmful effects, like reporting it to the platform, not responding to a bully and blocking a bully. Help them learn how to manage their digital footprint and protect their personal information and to never meet someone they’ve only met online without a trusted adult.
Monitor online exposure depending on age
For elementary and middle schoolers, consider using technical filters or having the passwords to your children’s accounts. You may want to keep devices in common areas of the home so you can more casually observe what your child is doing. This is a “training wheels” time, where you are setting them up for success in their teenager years.
For highschoolers, especially older ones, they deserve the right to have access to online accounts without sharing the password with their parents. It’s scary, but the harm done to invading your teenager’s privacy can be more detrimental in the longterm. If you decide to do some type of monitoring, be transparent with your teen about your concerns and why, and decrease monitoring based on their maturity.
Foster and maintain curious dialogues
For toddlers, this looks like asking open-ended questions, such as, “What do you think will happen if I turn over this log?”, or using an “I wonder” statement, such as, “I wonder what would happen if we turn over this log.” Wait at least six seconds before saying anything else to give them time to consider and respond (if they want). When a toddler asks their famous, “Why?”, sometimes ask them back, “What do you think?” When your toddler is excited to talk to you about something, model back how excited you are to have a conversation with them. It’s in the little things that we build the foundation for the big things.
For elementary and middle schoolers, asking them open-ended questions is equally important. When they are talking to you, stop what you’re doing and make eye contact if possible, giving them your attention as they speak. Follow the child’s interests—whatever they’re excited about, learn more about it yourself and engage them in conversation about it. And when they ask you a question you don’t know, admit it and show them how to find the answer together!
For high schoolers, the “why” question can return—but this time it’s often more focused on the way the world works, like learning about justice and equity. To foster curiosity, do the same things you’ve been doing all along: express interest in their interests and in them, and listen to them without interrupting. Rather than making eye contact, sometimes big conversations happen best when you’re not looking at each other, like while taking a car ride. And last, don’t worry if your teen’s schedule is less busy than their friends: allow your teen the space to daydream and get bored.
Find examples in real life of healthy masculinity
For everyone, this looks like looking at your own circles. Which of your family members are good role models of masculinity and exemplify traits you want your sons to have, like kindness, curiosity, and courage? Which of your friends exemplify these traits? Invite them over, do a family adventure with them, encourage your child to interact with them.
Find examples in media of healthy masculinity
For toddlers, shows or films like Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Trash Truck, Bluey, Daniel Tiger, Sesame Street, Finding Nemo, and Up feature masculine characters who are warm, kind, and in touch with their emotions.
For toddler books, try, Big Boys Cry, I Am Perfectly Designed, and Pink Is for Boys; Jabari Jumps, The Story of Ferdinand, The Boy with Flowers in His Hair, and Frog and Toad.
For elementary and middle schoolers, there are shows and films like, How to Train Your Dragon, Boy and the World, Coco, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Steven Universe.
For books, try, In the Footsteps of Crazy Horse, Princeless, Jim Henson: the Guy who Played with Puppets, Stuart Little, Ghost, Anne of Green Gables, and Wonder.
For highschoolers, there are shows like Ted Lasso, Into the Spider-Verse, The Lord of the Rings, Pride and Prejudice, Heartstopper, and Black-ish.
For books, try, A Crown of Wishes, A Wizard of Earthsea, the Track series, The Sun is Also a Star, To Kill a Mockingbird, All Boys Aren’t Blue: a Memoir-Manifesto,
Encourage communities offline
For toddlers, who don’t have online communities yet, this looks like lots of opportunities to play with other kids–through playdates, daycare or times at the playground!
For elementary and middle schoolers, help them set up hangouts with friends, and be willing to take the time to drive them to their friend’s house. Talk to them about the qualities of being a good friend–being kind, inclusive and learning how to resolve conflict.
For highschoolers, make your home a welcoming place to be if they want to have friends over. Encourage your child to participate in clubs or hobbies so they can meet peers with similar interests. Teenagers can also benefit from conversations around being a good friend, like how to keep a conversation going, setting boundaries and practicing active listening.
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Avoid gendered stereotypes in your home
For toddlers, this should be fairly simple. Provide a variety of boy and girl clothes, and boy and girl toys, and let your child explore and decide what they like. Encourage your child to play with children of the other gender. Show both parents doing different types of chores–daddy cooking, mama mowing the lawn.
For elementary and middle schoolers, have conversations about gender stereotypes that you see around you, like how nail polish is always advertised to women. Use inclusive language, critique stereotypes in media and watch and read diverse media together.
For high schoolers, in addition to the above, follow their lead. Encourage their interests based on their own interest, not on gendered expectations. Foster friendships of both genders. Model equality in your home–break the stereotypes! Teenagers often experience intense peer pressure. Let them feel safe and comfortable in your own home.
Build emotional intelligence
For toddlers, this looks like helping them learn to recognize and name the feelings they’re feeling. We do this through naming their (and our!) feelings throughout our interactions with them, playing games where characters are experiencing feelings, and reading books about feelings.
For elementary and middle schoolers, we do all the same things with toddlers, but we can be more sophisticated. It’s also important to establish a space of emotional safety–it needs to be safe to express all emotions, or children will often repress or lash out in a different way. We also continue to model emotional regulation and empathy.
For high schoolers, we’re still working on naming, working on healthy expressions, and practicing self-awareness. Mindfulness techniques and journaling can be great ways to dig deeper into emotions.
