I’m raising my triplet boys with gender-inclusive values, and their grandpas are not happy.
But allowing my children to freely develop their own agency, and to grow into who they want to be, is a critical part of my family’s values, and it won’t be changing anytime soon.
So I wrote this two-part letter to my dad to explain why gender-inclusive parenting is so vital to my philosophy.
I also chatted with other local families to see how they’re addressing gender-inclusivity in their parenting.
(My family: I am a queer woman married to a woman, and we began our family by conceiving at the same time with twins [me] and a singleton [her]. Our babies are now 19mos old and we coparent with their biological dad.)
A Letter to my dad
Part One: Wearing Pink Dresses.
Dear Dad,
Here are some resources for my family’s reasoning to show why raising our boys in a way that both recognizes and goes beyond the biological and social differences between boys and girls (aka the gender binary) is so important to us.
Rigid gender binaries are shown to harm boys and girls alike.
The gender binary perpetrates a culture that says there’s only one right way to be a boy or a girl.
The gender binary demands we toe the line of the differences between men and women — and says these differences include things like boys shouldn’t cry, and girls should be cute and not rambunctious — that boys are more aggressive and dominant and girls are more emotional and irrational.
A society that reinforces a gender binary disproportionately blames women while expecting very little of men (rape culture), and I can’t tell you how deeply I want my boys to protect and defend women, NOT hurt them or assault them.
Telling kids, “this is the right and wrong way to be a boy or a girl” limits their freedom and their potential and subjects them to harmful assumptions by people who love them the most.
Even little things like wearing pink, playing with dolls or accepting a boy’s emotional expression makes a difference.
Having a “choice” as to who they want to be and how they want to grow or present themselves isn’t an actual choice if I don’t provide all options for them, since they cannot provide anything for themselves right now.
This is part of normalization (see below).
Many “boy” and “girl” stereotypes are not based on biological fact, but are rooted in whatever society happens to like at the time.
For example, boys used to wear dresses. In fact, all babies did, because it’s easier to change diapers in a dress. For hundreds of years in the U.S. and other countries, a child’s clothing showed their age more than their sex or gender.
High heels were invented and worn by men. Men used to wear leggings and makeup and wigs. Girls used to be banned from wearing pants. Blue used to be for girls, and pink used to be for boys!
These rules about “that’s for boys, that’s for girls” are not based in indisputable differences between boys and girls, but just what a bunch of people around us decide at any given time.
If I had girls, would you be fine if they wore pants and played with Legos and learned how to use a tool bench?
If that sounds fine, but boys wearing pink and playing with dolls and painting their nails does not, then I posit that the issue is when BOYS act like GIRLS — but it’s fine if GIRLS act like BOYS, which is a form of sexism or misogyny: placing masculine behavior on an idealized pedestal and saying “feminine” behavior is less desirable.
“The more ingrained kids’ gender stereotypes become, the more easily they conclude that girls are inferior to boys — that boys have higher status because they biologically deserve it.”
That is actually misogyny: “Girls who act like boys are moving up the social ladder. Boys who are acting like anything but masculine are moving down and risk losing their status.”
Misogyny, at its simplest, is treating women differently than men, and can lead to prejudice, hostility or violence toward women.
Having misogynistic ideas is not anything to be ashamed of! Misogyny is such a part of our culture that it is often difficult to see. We have to put in active work to not be misogynistic since many of our societal structures, despite feminism’s advances, still encourage implicit (or explicit) misogyny.
But encouraging my boys to believe that “being like a girl” is bad, but telling my future daughters that “acting like boys” is okay, is reinforcing sexist mindsets.
And lastly, and least importantly, their babyhood is also my motherhood!
I’ve wanted a girl since I was 12. I don’t want to be penalized or resentful because I don’t have a girl. I think tiny baby dresses and hair bows and florals are so cute. I don’t want to never see any of my babies in a tiny baby dress.
Them wearing cute girl clothes doesn’t hurt anyone and brings me joy — and frankly when they are screaming constantly and I begin wanting to yeet myself out a window, any tiny bit of joy I can cling to, to make me smile when I look at them instead of start crying too, is valuable and matters to me — and that’s okay.
Part Two: The gender binary in general.
I am not saying I think boys and girls are totally the same. I don’t! I agree that there are definite differences between the sexes, primarily due to the incredible impact of hormones such as testosterone and estrogen and prolactin, etc.
The term “gender neutral parenting” is what generally refers to the type of parenting Trow, Jess and I are doing, but we are not neutral about gender. “Gender-inclusive” or “gender-creative” parenting is perhaps more fitting. We are parenting our children without imposing gender stereotypes upon them; without rigidly demanding they express themselves a certain way, or become a certain way.
Do we expect or assume some things? Yes, of course, we are using “he/him” pronouns to refer to the triplets and call them “boys” all the time.
Were we being absolutely neutral, we’d just call them “kids” or refer to them as “they/them” until they tell us otherwise. And us parents are not currently doing that.
But we are holding intentional space for them to turn into whoever they want; wear whatever they want; be whatever is truest to them. We call them boys, but we make sure to read them books about girls and boys, and boys who like to wear tutus and girls who like to play sports.
When they are old enough, we will have conversations about gender that invite them to tell us, what do they feel like today? Do they want to wear pink, or blue? Do they feel twirly, or rambunctious, or both? Do they want to put on makeup, or wrestle in the playroom, or go hiking in the woods or bake cookies and pies?
Biology is wildly important, and hormones impact our development so strongly.
But I ALSO believe that being human, with a prefrontal cortex and willpower, doesn’t doom us to be controlled by our biology.
Just because boys are up to three times more likely to be suspended, expelled or drop out from high school, doesn’t mean I need to resign myself that one of these boys may be a highschool dropout or in constant academic trouble and oh well, it is what it is.
Just because boys are 80% more likely to commit violent crimes DOESN’T mean I must resign myself to one of my boys being arrested for violence — oh well, they’re a boy, it couldn’t be helped. Absolutely not.
But research shows very definite but small hormonal differences at birth are exacerbated by social treatment to become huge gender differences over childhood.
I believe in appreciating how sex, genetics and hormone differences manifest — not assuming them to be an inevitable biological fact.
There are also many children whose sex or hormone levels are not so obvious.
Disorders like congenital adrenal hyperplasia, where both girls and boys alike experience a flood of prenatal testosterone that dramatically influences them, exist.
Intersex children, although rare, exist.
Up to 10% of women have PCOS, a condition where their body produces a high amount of testosterone. There are many girls with testosterone that is higher than some boys. The average young boy’s testosterone level, up until age 10, is actually indistinguishable (or frequently lower) than girls his age.
My boys are not doomed to be emotionally inept and unable to focus academically and bad at communication, just because they’re boys. If I have a daughter someday, she isn’t doomed to be irrational or bad at math or technologically inept.
Just as “a threat to freedom somewhere is a threat to freedom everywhere”, so judging or discriminating toward our very young children based on a gender stereotype inadvertently perpetuates ALL gender stereotypes.
“Boys shouldn’t wear pink,” begs the question, why? What else “shouldn’t” boys do that girls can do?
I believe in freedom for our children, to become who they were meant to be.
“But why can’t you just treat them like boys now, because they probably WILL just want to be like stereotypical boys — and if on the rare chance they DO want to wear makeup or dresses, you can just let them do that after they come out to you?”
First, it seems likely that at least one of the boys may identify as queer and/or may enjoy activities or presenting themselves in ways outside the typical gender stereotype.
More people than ever have felt safe to come out as queer or trans in modern America. Almost 30% of Gen Z identifies as queer, which is double the queer millennials (16%), which is double itself of Gen X (7%).
It is very present in my mind to respect ALL potential identities my children could become.
If they are straight, I respect that. If they are gay, I respect that. If they are trans, I respect that. If they are anything in-between, I respect that.
Normalizing queerness and making various modes of self-expression safe are critical values to my family. Normalization is when the area in question is seen as a normal, acceptable taken-for-granted part of everyday life.
Gay marriage/relationships are not normalized, for example. When I am out with my wife, people almost never assume we are together romantically.
Heterosexual marriages/relationships ARE normalized. When I’m out with my babies’ biological dad Trow, people almost always assume he and I are together.
By its very definition, something being “not normalized” means it’s seen as other, weird, abnormal.
I never want my child to feel abnormal and weird about themselves, about anything they want to do that doesn’t hurt themselves or others.
“Coming out” is a term used to refer to a person’s accepting and sharing their identity (usually gender or sexual) with others. The importance of a young person being able to accept who they are (whether that’s straight, gay, or trans) is linked to them being able to succeed in life, be mentally and physically healthy(er), and have good relationships with friends and family.
But needing to come out is in itself difficult at best and harmful at worst. It assumes some identities are default, or “normal,” and others are not.
Coming out is a source of stress and even danger to children. Even if their parents are wonderfully accepting, their friends or extended family may not be, or may question it.
I didn’t come out to my family until I found someone who was so important (my wife, Jess) I was forced to come out. I went through a lot of pain from the teachings in my childhood telling me that being queer was sinful and I would burn in hell forever for it.
And when I did come out, my romantic relationship with Jess was NOT accepted or respected in the way that my relationship with men had been. Some family members literally cried from sadness when I got engaged; some family members refused to come to my wedding.
Jess was so nervous when she came out to her family that she was throwing up from stress before she did, and it took a long time for her loved ones to fully embrace who she was.
And Trow (the babies’ bio dad) faced a lot of disapproval, silence and ongoing questions when he came out to his loved ones; and had (has) legitimate concerns about his career if he came out in the workplace.
I don’t want this for my children. I don’t want them to have to brace themselves to tell me who they are. I want to always be curious and open towards them, not force them to fight to be heard and seen.
Last but not least, Trow cross dresses! He wears clothes that are explicitly marketed as women’s clothing: crop tops, leggings, flowy pants, and sometimes women’s tank tops or dress pants. Some of his Halloween costumes, like when he dressed as Mr. Tumnus, involve high heels.
Trow is an incredible example of masculinity — he’s a freaking fighter pilot, for crying out loud — and I never want to raise my boys to be ashamed of their dad or judge him for dressing in “girly” clothes.
I believe in raising my boys to be good and strong men.
In men who use their strength for good, not for evil. In men who protect women, who stand up for marginalized identities, who fight racism.
I believe in men who are poets as well as warriors, who believe in freedom and justice and love, who sacrifice their self-interests to ensure that everyone has a seat at the table.
And I believe this is how we do it.
Love,
Chelsea.”
How is this letter going to be received?
Well, like my last letter: A Letter to a MAGA Loved One — From an LGBTQ Mom, I haven’t heard back yet.
So I spoke to several local parents on their thoughts on gender-inclusive parenting, and how it has impacted their immediate and extended families.
Stacy’s story
Stacy is a local neurodivergent queer momma of an active four-year-old kiddo.
Stacy feels like rigid views on the gender binary harm all children because it severely restricts their ability of expression and creates fear if they do want to express themselves non-stereotypically.
“There is nothing wrong with kids expressing more femme or more masc,” Stacy said. “But when we stick to ‘girls are femme and boys are masc,’ then we are limiting their choice to explore and find their true selves.”
Stacy notes there are few resources and opportunities available for nonbinary and trans kids. These lack of resources can be noticeable and increases the chance of calling attention to the kids themselves, which increases the chances of bullying or embarrassment.
“I know for myself, I was very much pressured into fitting into this preconceived idea of a lady,” Stacy said. “I was told to wear makeup and dresses and act a certain way.” Stacy felt like they didn’t know who they were outside of the box society kept trying to cram them into. “Stay in the box, and I was praised and complimented,” Stacy said. “Stray out of it, and I was harassed and ridiculed.”
Stacy also points out how excessive society is about gendering things, especially in childhood.
“We put gendered labels on toys, colors and jobs in society. Those labels stem from the idea that ‘men are strong and women are weak or frail’.”
Stacy thinks when a boy behaves more femme or wears a dress, society sees them as weak or “less than” the man they could be, whereas if a girl engages in ‘boy’ activities, they’re seen as strong and independent.
“It really comes down to the fact that men are perceived as better than women,” they say. It’s obviously not right, but it’s so pervasive throughout our culture that when boys engage in toys or clothing that are labeled “femme,” they are seen as making themselves less valuable.
Stacy feels similarly to me, in that there are differences between all of us, and they are often regardless of gender or sex. To survive, our species needed different personalities to fill important roles: protector, night watcher, caretaker, hunter, gatherer, builder, etc. Stacy notes that these roles may have initially been assigned due to gender and who was caring for the babies.
“But as society progressed and we evolved, we never dropped the gendered roles and it’s now a learned habit,” Stacy said. “Thinking outside that binary has left people feeling a little lost on what box or role they fit into.”
Stacy has personal experience with feeling mismatched with societal roles. They came out as nonbinary only after a 1500 mile move from their childhood home and the maturity of their mid-30s. They were born into a voluptuous body which made dysphoria so difficult for them as people would give them compliments on how feminine they looked, and not understand why it made Stacy so uncomfortable.
“I tried to be this person that I thought the world wanted me to be and I desperately sought out approval because I had none for myself,” Stacy said
When they made a new start with their family, they were able to begin exploring who they wanted to be, and it was eye-opening to explore more styles and pronouns. They were able to reach out to specialists and were clinically diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which helped them develop even more self-understanding.
Because of Stacy’s childhood experience and growth in adulthood, they are intentional with their four-year-old to guide her toward gender-inclusivity. Stacy removes gendered labels from toys, clothing, hairstyles and more. They call her “kiddo” often to avoid pushing any type of gender, but the four-year-old has expressed she “feels like a girl,” so Stacy feels comfortable using “she/her” pronouns with her.
Even so, Stacy shares a favorite story of when the four-year-old was in school and the kids were all asked to line up, boys on one side and girls on the other. (This is an unideal practice as it leaves NO room for kids who don’t fit this binary, Stacy notes).
Stacy’s kiddo lined up with the boys. When the teacher told her she was a girl and was in the wrong line, she replied, “I’m not a girl, I’m a person.”
“I know it’s silly, but I was really proud of her,” Stacy said.
Kayla’s story
Kayla is a local parent whose middle child R (almost sixteen-years-old) has suffered greatly from gender stereotypes not only from society, but from their own family.
“They suffer from mental health issues and have had extreme struggles with anxiety issues,” said Kayla. R has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, body dysmorphia, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD, and has struggled with suicide ideation.
R choose a different name that felt more comfortable to them, but multiple of their family members flat-out refuse to call them by it and only call them by their birth name.
Little things like that, said Kayla, are so much more difficult to deal with when they are coming from the people who claim to love you.
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“Now with the MAGA cult and Trump attacking trans rights, things are not going well,” said Kayla. “They don’t feel accepted at all. I can’t even imagine how heavy that is on top of all their struggles.”
R told their parents for years that they didn’t come out as trans because of how that would affect certain people in their family. “I just cannot imagine not being who I am because others are uncomfortable,” Kayla said.
Societal conditioning is a tough one to overcome, and many families who parent against societal demands will experience pushback.
But the more that parents stand up for their children to be their true, authentic selves regardless of societal pressure, the more we can be a part of shifting the narrative and creating a world where all children are accepted and loved, no matter who they are and want to be.
