I’m not alone in having a family that’s fractured by politics. As the United States’ political parties grow further apart, so the rift in many families grows too.
In conversations I’ve had with friends, I know I’m also not alone in wrestling with wondering at what point political differences can or should affect family dynamics with our children.
For those of us who are worried about the harm that MAGA political views can cause, especially for minority families (such as families who are queer, BIPOC, poor, etc), should we let our children spend unfettered time with a MAGA relative? Set boundaries around time together? What sort of boundaries? Become estranged instead?
It’s all so convoluted and wrought with grief and complexity.
Let me share with you a letter I wrote to one of my family members about his MAGA vote, and the following perspectives of a few other parents who are wrestling with these same questions.
(My family dynamic: I am a queer woman, married to a woman, and we coparent our three 19mo toddlers with their biological dad [I conceived twins and my wife conceived a singleton, 10 days apart]. My triplets have several chronic health issues, including lead poisoning, and are on Medicaid.)
“Dear loved one,
I’m struggling in our relationship right now and I want to bring my concerns to you in the hope we can address them.
I am having a hard time that you voted for Trump, and more importantly were happy to do so, knowing that he was a direct threat to my LGBTQ family.
In only his first two weeks in office, he has issued executive orders and memos that have been worse than I even feared, much less thought likely.
- Trump’s anti-trans executive order and his anti-LGBTQ orders and memos contain language that is threatening to all children of LGBTQ families. They also lay the groundwork for reporting families to CPS and even taking away their children if they are raising their children in a family that celebrates diversity and inclusiveness, which my family does.
- Trump’s homophobic agenda has been executed so extremely in only the first couple weeks, that my family has literally been advised by several lawyers to get our babies passports in case we need to flee the country. I’ll repeat that: multiple educated authorities have advised us that we may need to literally flee the country in order to keep or safely raise our children.
- Trump, his appointees and Musk are directly threatening Medicaid and Medicare, which are how my family has health insurance. I am chronically ill and on four medications; my son Arden is having a TON of health issues and is also on four medications; and the triplets’ lead poisoning is a guaranteed several years of specialist visits to try to counter the longterm damage that the neurotoxin did to their bodies and brains.
- If Medicaid is slashed, we may lose the lead abatement grant, which is the only way we can afford to tackle the lead that still exists in our home. Otherwise, the babies are either continuing to live among a literal neurotoxin hazard, OR we face extreme financial distress or even foreclosure by moving to a different home (and moving out of our forever home with triplet toddlers sounds awful, even without financial stress).
All of Trump’s viewpoints on these areas were known, and you still voted for him. I understand you had valid reasons for voting for Trump, or valid concerns for not voting for Harris.
However, it feels like you were totally okay with risking my family’s literal safety in doing so. As I apply for passports for my babies in case we need to flee the country, I am so sad that you, their relative, voted for the president who is enacting policies so dangerous to my family. As I schedule my babies’ doctor appointments and worry if they’ll even HAVE access to healthcare, especially with how sick Arden is, I am so sad that you prioritized other things rather than the literal health and lives of your little loved ones.
I am not asking you to walk back your vote for Trump. You can’t do that. I am also not asking for you to explain your reasoning. That wouldn’t help.
I AM asking, what are you going to do NOW? You voted for a man who is directly harming my family. How do you plan to help protect my family and counter these threats?
Will you make phone calls to your Congress people? Will you read articles to stay informed? Will you be open to reading books to learn about my family’s perspective and why this is so dangerous? Will you write letters against the policies that will harm my family?
I know you love these babies. What impacts your little loved ones impacts you. If we have to leave the state or country, that would obviously impact you. If the kids are taken away by the state or government (I will literally flee in the night before it gets to that level), that would obviously impact you. If the kids lost healthcare and had ongoing serious health issues – if they continue to be lead poisoned – that would obviously impact you.
I love you and I want to have a wholesome, open relationship with you. The current political acts are impacting my wellbeing on every level.
As Dr. Seuss said, ‘unless people like us care a whole awful lot, and DO something about it, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.’
I ask you to spend time to consider what I’ve said, and perhaps we can talk about it when next I see you.”
What am I going to do if my relative doesn’t want a conversation? Refuses to see my side? Refuses to acknowledge the harm?
I’m not sure. But I know this is the first step toward healing the harm and investing in a holistic relationship, or to discovering where boundaries need to be placed.
Tasha’s perspective
To gain some additional perspective from local parents, I spoke with Tasha Konyha — a local mother of two children, one nonbinary and one straight, both cis AMAB.
She is currently taking a more direct stance. “I don’t engage with MAGA family members. I am vocal about my boundaries. People in my life don’t get to say horrible things or spout conspiracy theories in front of me or my children without being called on it.”
When her youngest child, 11yo, began talking about Prime, body building, calories, etc, she began getting a bad feeling that he was being exposed to right-wing messaging on YouTube because how YouTube’s algorithm will target people who search for gaming, workouts and more. As soon as her youngest mentioned Joe Rogan, Tasha stepped in.
“We talked about the danger of Joe Rogan and others like him, who espouse the ‘who knows? Why not doubt it and do your own research?’ mentality, when what they really mean is not to trust anything you don’t believe,” said Tasha. She showed clear examples to her children of how to discern when the internet is presenting lies or misleading information, such as what context clues she herself looks for, and how to best verify the truth.
“I explain how I arrived at my beliefs, and why I feel I’m right about the way I move through life,” said Tasha. “I do my best to offer another view, and am careful to explain my way of thinking isn’t the ONLY way to think.”
M’s perspective
I also spoke with M, a queer woman and the mother of a nine-year-old trans daughter, who requested to remain anonymous.
M’s daughter is beginning hormone-blockers. Without gender-affirming care, she will not survive. “That’s not hyperbole,” M says– “that’s reality.”
M’s daughter began self-harming at five years old. “She couldn’t explain why,” says M. “Only that she didn’t belong, that she hurt. We began her transition the moment she had the words to tell us who she is.”
Everyone in M’s family has seen M’s daughter struggle and knows her story– “They know what’s at stake,” said M. “And they still voted for Trump.”
M deeply believes that if a family member can look at M’s daughter and still vote for someone actively working to erase her existence, they don’t get to claim they “care”. “You don’t get to hide behind the stock market, or grocery prices, or ‘just being fiscally conservative’. What you’re really saying is: my child’s life is disposable, as long as you’re comfortable. That’s the truth.”
RELATED: How Trump’s Executive Orders Impact LGBTQ+ Students
I found that statement so powerful. M is not alone in seeing our world become more dangerous for transgender people since Trump’s rise in power. M said their family has faced transphobia in their daily lives — the teachers at her daughter’s old school refused to let her use the girls’ restroom when she was just a child during first and second grade. They forced her to hold it all day and soil herself, rather than let her use the bathroom. When M’s family tried to fight for her young child’s right to use the bathroom she felt safest in, a teacher told her family that her daughter will be bullied either way, so she may as well just use the boys’ room.
“That’s the message,” said M, “don’t be who you are, because people will hurt you for it.”
M’s daughter is now moved to a better school, so she is safe. “For now,” M said soberly. “But her safety should never depend on luck or location.”
M’s partner’s family members wear red MAGA hats with pride. M’s own family is steeped in racism, transphobia and ignorance. “They are not confused or misinformed — they’ve made a choice,” says M. “A choice to uphold systems that harm anyone who doesn’t look, love or live like them. That choice has consequences, and I will not pretend otherwise.”
Hatred doesn’t always show up with slurs and violence, M notes. “Sometimes, it looks like a shrug. A vote. A silence.” M’s family isn’t the one writing the laws that are stripping her daughter’s rights, but they are voting for the people who do. In M’s mind, that makes them complicit and dangerous.
“We don’t need more empathy for hate,” said M. “We don’t need to ‘build bridges’ with people who believe our children shouldn’t exist. That’s not noble. That’s surrender.” M cautions that this is how people look back on history and say, “I didn’t know.” “The truth is–you did,” M said. “You just didn’t care.”
Before M had kids, M said, “I tolerated their bigotry when it was ‘just me.’ But this is my daughter. And I will protect her with everything I have. I will not debate her right to exist. I will not explain her humanity. I will not smile through anyone’s ignorance or cruelty. I am done.”
Although M is rightfully most worried about their daughter’s right to live, freely and safely, M notes that everyone deserves to live in the same way.
“I will not meet hate halfway,” said M. “I will stand all the way up against it. I will die on this hill.”
Although I personally haven’t begun cutting off MAGA family members, I found myself both inspired and challenged by Tasha’s and M’s stories. Their thoughts have provoked many questions I’ve been reflecting on.
How do you handle deep political divides in your family? Did anything in our story resonate with you? Let us know in the comments!
